I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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