mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
