I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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