i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
