Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize