I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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