Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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