maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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