We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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