New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
