So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Randomize
