Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
