I'm lost and stupid without you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize