Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
