There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
