if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
