Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
