I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
