i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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