How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
