I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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