everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
