i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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