If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
