another moral hangover. fuck.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
