My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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