Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
