What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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