Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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