Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
