Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
