i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
