if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Randomize
