I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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