Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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