Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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