how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
