I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
high people should be assigned attendants
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
