apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
