everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
