The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
