I just threw up on my dentist
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
