So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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