when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Shame - the story of my life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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