Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
