My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
