you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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