Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
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he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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