he wants to bone in the snuggie
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
