So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
