Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
