I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i think i just lost a toe
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
