I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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