drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
