I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
